Love in a Blue Time Read online

  Not that it hadn’t cost him. It took resolution, organisation, and a measure of creativity to drink hard day and night; to insult friends and strangers; to go to parties uninvited and attempt to have sex with teenage girls; to borrow money and never pay it back; to lie, make feeble excuses, be evasive, shifty and selfish. He had had many advantages to overcome. But finally, after years of application, he had made a success, indeed a triumph, of failure.

  Jimmy said, ‘The rich love the poor to work, and the harder the better. It keeps them out of trouble while they’re ripped off. Everyone knows that.’ He picked up a porn magazine, Peaches, and flipped through the pages. ‘You don’t think I’m going to fall for that shit, do you?’

  Roy’s eyes felt heavy. He was falling asleep in the morning! To wake himself up he paced the carpet and strained to recall the virtues of employment.

  ‘Jimmy, there’s something I don’t understand about this.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Don’t you ever wake up possessed by a feeling of things not done? Of time and possibility lost, wasted? And failure … failure in most things – that could be overcome. Don’t you?’

  Jimmy said, ‘That’s different. Of mundane work you know nothing. The worst jobs are impossible to get. You’ve lived for years in the enclosed world of the privileged with no idea what it’s like outside. But the real work you mention, I tell you, every damn morning I wake up and feel time rushing past me. And it’s not even light. Loneliness … fear. My heart vibrates.’

  ‘Yes! and don’t you think, this is a new morning, maybe this day I can redeem the past? Today something real might be done?’

  ‘Sometimes I do think that,’ Jimmy said. ‘But most of the time … to tell you the truth, Roy, I know nothing will get done. Nothing, because that time is past.’

  When the beer was gone they went out, putting their arms around one another. On the corner of Roy’s street was a rough pub with benches outside, where many local men gathered between March and September, usually wearing just shorts. They’d clamber from their basements at half past ten and by eleven they’d be in place, chewing a piece of bread with their beer, smoking dope and shouting above the traffic. Their women, who passed by in groups, pushing prams laden with shopping, were both angrier and more vital.

  One time Roy walked past and heard Springsteen’s hypodermic cry ‘Hungry Heart’ blaring from inside. He’d lingered apprehensively: surely the song would rouse the men to some sudden recklessness, the desire to move or hunt down experience? But they merely mouthed the words.

  He thought of the books which had spoken to him as a teenager and how concerned they were with young men fleeing home and domesticity, to hurl themselves at different boundaries. But where had it led except to self-destruction and madness? And how could you do that kind of thing now? Where could you run?

  Roy’s preferred local was a low-ceilinged place with a semicircular oak bar. Beyond, it was long and deep, broken up by booths, comers and turns. Men sat alone, reading, staring, talking to themselves, as if modelling for a picture entitled ‘The Afternoon Drinkers’. There was a comfortable aimlessness; in here nothing had to happen.

  Jimmy raised his glass. Roy saw that his hand trembled, and that his skin looked bruised and discoloured, the knuckles raw, fingers bitten.

  ‘By the way, how was Clara this morning?’

  ‘That was her, right?’ said Jimmy.

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘She’s big outfront but looking great. A bit like Jean Shrimpton.’

  ‘You told her that?’

  Jimmy nodded.

  Roy said, ‘That’s what did the trick. You’ll be in with her for a couple of days now.’

  ‘Still fuck her?’

  ‘When I can’t help myself,’ said Roy. ‘You’d think she’d appreciate the interest but instead she says that lying beside me is like sleeping next to a bag of rubbish that hasn’t been collected for a fortnight.’

  ‘She’s lucky to have you,’ said Jimmy.

  ‘Me?’

  ‘Oh yes. And she knows it too. Still, thank Christ there’s plenty of pussy back on stream now that that Aids frenzy has worn off.’

  Roy said, ‘All the same, it’s easy to underestimate how casual and reassuring married love can be. You can talk about other things while you’re doing it. It isn’t athletic. You can drift. It’s an amicable way of confirming that everything is all right.’

  ‘I’ve never had that,’ said Jimmy.

  ‘You’re not likely to, either.’

  ‘Thanks.’

  After a time Jimmy said, ‘Did I mention there was a phone call this morning. Someone’s office. Tuesday?’

  ‘Tuesday?’

  ‘Or was it Wednesday?’

  ‘Munday!’

  ‘Munday? Yeah, maybe it was … one of those early days.’

  Roy grasped him by the back of the neck and vibrated him a little. ‘Tell me what he said.’

  Jimmy said, ‘Gone. Everything vaporises into eternity – all thoughts and conversations.’

  ‘Not this one.’

  Jimmy sniggered, ‘The person said he’s in the air. Or was. And he’s popping round for a drink.’

  ‘When?’

  ‘I think it was … today.’

  ‘Christ,’ said Roy. ‘Finish your pint.’

  ‘A quick one, I think, to improve our temper.’

  ‘Get up. This is the big one. It’s my film, man.’

  ‘Film? When’s it on?’

  ‘Couple of years.’

  ‘What? Where’s the hurry? How can you think in those kinda time distances?’

  Roy held Jimmy’s glass to his lips. ‘Drink.’

  Munday might, Roy knew, swing by for a few minutes and treat Roy as if he were a mere employee; or he might hang out for five hours, discussing politics, books, life.

  Munday embodied his age, particularly in his puritanism. He was surrounded by girls; he was rich and in the film business; everywhere there were decadent opportunities. But work was his only vice, with the emphasis on negotiating contracts. His greatest pleasure was to roar, after concluding a deal: ‘Course, if you’d persisted, or had a better agent, I’d have paid far more.’

  He did like cocaine. He didn’t like to be offered it, for this might suggest he took it, which he didn’t, since it was passé. He did, nevertheless, like to notice a few lines laid accidentally out on the table, into which he might dip his nose in passing.

  Cocaine would surely help things go better. As Roy guided Jimmy back, he considered the problem. There was a man – Upton Turner – who was that rare thing, a fairly reliable dealer who made home visits and occasionally arrived on the stated day. Roy had been so grateful for this – and his need so urgent – that when Turner had visited in the past, Roy had inquired after his health and family, giving Turner, he was afraid, the misapprehension that he was a person as well as a vendor. He had become a nuisance. The last time Roy phoned him, Turner had flung the phone to one side, screaming that the cops were at the door and he was ‘lookin’ at twenty years!’ As Roy listened, Turner was dumping thousands of pounds worth of powder down the toilet, only to discover that the person at the door was a neighbour who wanted to borrow a shovel.

  Despite Turner’s instability, Roy called him. Turner said he’d come round. At once Munday’s office then rang.

  ‘He’s coming to you,’ they said. ‘Don’t go anywhere.’

  ‘But when?’ Roy whined.

  ‘Expect him in the near future,’ the cool girl replied, and added, with a giggle, ‘This century, definitely.’

  ‘Ha, ha.’

  They had some time at least. While listening for Upton’s car, Roy and Jimmy had a few more drinks. At last Roy called Jimmy over to the window.

  ‘There.’

  ‘No!’ Jimmy seized the curtain to give him strength. ‘It’s a wind-up. That isn’t Turner. Maybe it’s Munday.’

  ‘It is our man, without a doubt.’

  ‘Doesn’t
he feel a little conspicuous – in his profession?’

  ‘Wouldn’t you think so?’

  ‘Jesus, Roy, and you’re letting this guy into your new home?’

  They watched Turner trying to land the old black Rolls in a space, his pit-bull sitting up front and music booming from the windows. He couldn’t get the car in anywhere, and finally left it double-parked in the road with the traffic backing up around it, and rushed into the house with the noisy dog. Turner was small, balding and middle-aged, in a white shirt and grey suit that clung to his backside and flared at the ankles. He saw Jimmy drinking at the table and came to an abrupt standstill.

  ‘Roy, son, you’re all fucking pissed. You should have said we’re having a bit of a laugh, I’d have brought the party acid.’

  ‘This is Jimmy.’

  Turner sat down, parting his legs and sweeping back his jacket, exposing his genitals outlined by tight trousers as if he anticipated applause. He reached into his pocket and tossed a plastic bag onto the table containing fifty or sixty small envelopes. Jimmy was rubbing his hands together in anticipation.

  Turner said, ‘How many of these are you having? Eh?’

  ‘Not sure yet.’

  ‘Not sure? What d’you mean?’

  ‘Just that.’

  ‘All right,’ Turner conceded. ‘Try it, try it.’

  Roy opened one of the envelopes.

  ‘Never seen so many books an’ videos as you got in these boxes,’ Turner said, pacing about. He halted by a pile and said, ‘Alphabetical. A mind well ordered. As a salesman I evaluate the people from looking at their houses. Read ’em all?’

  ‘It’s surprising how many people ask that,’ Roy said with relaxed enjoyment. ‘It really is. Turner, d’you want a drink or something else?’

  ‘You must know a lot then.’ Turner insisted.

  ‘Not necessarily,’ Jimmy said. ‘It doesn’t follow.’

  ‘I know what you mean.’ Turner winked at Jimmy and they laughed. ‘But the boy must know something. I’m gonna offer credit where it’s due, I’m generous like that.’ He lit a cigarette in his cupped hand and surveyed the kitchen. ‘Nice place. You an’ the wife getting the builders in?’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘Course. I bet you have a pretty nice life, all in all. Plays, travel, posh friends. The police aren’t looking for you, are they?’

  ‘Not like they are for you, Turner.’

  ‘No. That’s right.’

  ‘Turner’s looking at fifteen. Isn’t that right, man?’

  ‘Yeah,’ said Turner. ‘Sometimes twenty. I’m looking at –’ He noticed Jimmy suppressing a giggle and turned to see Roy smirking. He said, ‘I’m looking at a lot of shit. Now, Mister Roy, if you know so fucking much I’ll try and think if there’s something I need to ask you, while I’m here.’

  Jimmy said to Roy, ‘Are you ready for Mr Turner’s questions?’

  Roy tapped his razor blade on the table and organised the powder into thick lines. He and Jimmy hunched over to inhale. Turner sat down at last and pointed at the envelopes.

  ‘How many of them d’you want?’

  ‘Three.’

  ‘How many?’

  ‘Three, I said.’

  ‘Fuck.’ Turner banged his fist on the table. ‘Slags.’

  Roy said, ‘You want a piece of pie?’

  ‘That I could go for.’

  Roy cut a piece of Clara’s cherry pie and gave it to Turner. Turner took two large bites and it was inside him. Roy cut another piece. This time Turner leaned back in his chair, raised his arm and hurled it across the kitchen as if he were trying to smash it through the wall. The dog thrashed after it like a shoal of piranhas. It was an aged creature and its eating was slobbery and breathless. The second it had finished, the dog ran back to Turner’s feet and planted itself there, waiting for more.

  Turner said to Roy, ‘Three, did you say?’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘So I have come some considerable miles at your instant command for fuck-all. You know,’ he said sarcastically, ‘I’m looking at eighteen.’

  ‘In that case four. All right. Four g’s. Might as well, eh, Jimmy?’

  Turner slapped the dog. ‘You’ll get another go in a minute,’ he told it. He looked at Jimmy. ‘What about ten?’

  ‘Go for it,’ said Jimmy to Roy. ‘We’ll be all right tomorrow. Ten should see us through.’

  ‘Smart,’ said Turner. ‘Planning ahead.’

  ‘Ten?’ Roy said. ‘No way. I don’t think you should hustle people.’

  Turner’s voice became shrill. ‘You saying I hustle you?’

  Roy hesitated. ‘I mean by that … it’s not a good business idea.’

  Turner raised his voice. ‘I’m doing this to pay off my brother’s debts. My brother who was killed by scum. It’s all for him.’

  ‘Quite right,’ murmured Jimmy.

  ‘Hey, I’ve got a fucking question for you,’ Turner said. ‘Little Roy.’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘Do you know how to love life?’

  Jimmy and Roy looked at one another.

  Turner said, ‘That’s stumped you, right? I’m saying here, is it a skill? Or a talent? Who can acquire it?’ He was settling into his rap. ‘I deal to the stars, you know.’

  ‘Most of them introduced to you by me,’ Roy murmured.

  ‘And they the unhappiest people I seen.’

  ‘It’s still a difficult question,’ said Roy.

  He looked at Turner, who was so edgy and complicated it was hard to think of him as a child. But you could always see the light of childhood in Jimmy, he was luminous with curiosity.

  ‘But a good one,’ said Jimmy.

  ‘You’re pleased with that one,’ Roy said to Turner.

  ‘Yeah, I am.’ Turner looked at Jimmy. ‘You’re right. It’s a difficult question.’

  Roy put his hand in his jeans pocket and dragged out a wad of £20 notes.

  ‘Hallo,’ Turner said.

  ‘Jesus,’ said Jimmy.

  ‘What?’ Roy said.

  ‘I’ll take a tenner off.’ Turner said. ‘As we’re friends – if you buy six.’

  ‘I told you, not six,’ said Roy, counting the money. There was plenty of it, but he thumbed through it rapidly.

  Turner reached out to take the whole wad and held it in his fist, looking down at the dog as his foot played on its stomach.

  ‘Hey,’ Roy said and turned to Jimmy who was laughing.

  ‘What?’ said Turner, crumpling the money in his hand. Roy pulled the cherry pie towards him and cut a slice. His hand was shaking now. ‘You are in a state,’ Turner said. He took the mobile phone out of his pocket and turned it off.

  ‘Am I?’ Roy said. ‘What are you going to do with that money?’

  Turner got up and took a step towards Roy. ‘Answer the fucking question!’

  Roy put up his hands. ‘I can’t.’

  Turner pushed three small envelopes towards Jimmy, put all the money in his pocket, yanked away his drug bag, and, pursued by the dog, charged to the door. Roy ran to the window and watched the Rolls take off down the street.

  ‘You wanker,’ he said to Jimmy. ‘You fucking wanker.’

  ‘Me?’

  ‘Christ. We should have done something.’

  ‘Like what?’

  ‘Where’s the knife! You should have stuck it in the bastard’s fucking throat! That pig’s run off with my money!’

  ‘Thing is, you can’t trust them proles, man. Sit down.’

  ‘I can’t!’

  ‘Here’s the knife. Go after him then.’

  ‘Fuck, fuck!’

  ‘This will calm you down,’ said Jimmy.

  They started into the stuff straight away and there was no going back. Roy attempted to put one gram aside for Munday but Jimmy said, why worry, they could get more later. Roy didn’t ask him where from.

  Roy was glad to see Upton go. He’d be glad, too, to see the end of the chaos that Jimmy had b
rought with him.

  ‘What are your plans?’ he asked. ‘I mean, what are you going to doing in the next few days?’

  Jimmy shook his head. He knew what Roy was on about, but ignored him, as Roy sat there thinking that if he was capable of love he had to love all of Jimmy now, at this moment.

  It was imperative, though, that he clear his mind for Munday. The drug got him moving. He fetched a jersey and clean socks for Jimmy, thrust Jimmy’s old clothes into a plastic bag, and, holding them at arm’s length, pushed them deep into the rubbish. He showered, got changed, opened the windows and prepared coffee.

  *

  It was only when Munday, who was ten years younger than him and Jimmy and far taller, came through the door, that Roy realised how spaced he and Jimmy were. Fortunately Clara had said she’d be out that evening. Munday, who had just got off the plane, wanted to relax and talk.

  Roy forced his concentration as Munday explained his latest good news. His business, for which Roy had made many music videos, was in the process of being sold to a conglomerate. Munday would to able to make more films and with bigger budgets. He would be managing director and rich.

  ‘Excellent,’ said Roy.

  ‘In some ways,’ Munday said.

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Let’s have another drink.’

  ‘Yes, we must celebrate.’ Roy got up. ‘I won’t be a moment.’

  At the door he heard Jimmy say, ‘You might be interested to hear that I myself have attempted a bit of writing in my time …’

  It was that ‘I myself’ that got him out.

  Roy went to buy champagne. He was hurrying around the block. Powerful forces were keeping him from his house. His body ached and fluttered with anxiety; he had Aids at least, and, without a doubt, cancer. A heart attack was imminent. On the verge of panic, he feared he might run yelling into the road but was, at that moment, unable to take another step. He couldn’t, though, stay where he was, for fear he might lie down and weep. In a pub he ordered a half but took only two sips. He didn’t know how long he’d been sitting there, but he didn’t want to go home.